Hooray! Allie's blog is back with "Depression Part Two".I highly recommend it for those of you in need of a cathartic laugh and/or cry because you actually deal with this every single day or for those of you who just want to understand it better.<-------- Click ThatI could relate with her "Adventures in Depression", which if you haven't read you totally should, and I can relate even more so with part two.
Especially the topic of how there really is no good way to bring up when you are suicidal. I always want the reaction to be as uneventful as possible ending with the person giving their blessing, telling you they will take care of whatever crap you leave behind that needs wrapped up, and then hold your hand as the magical button that somehow magically exists is pushed to make an alive person not anymore.
And also about how maybe all you need is some reassurance that what you are going through is super legit but then when someone does actually say to you, " Wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though." you realize no, that's not it either and you just go back to being alone because it's much easier than reaching out.
Anyway, here is my latest:
I am back on medications for my bipolar-ness. Seroquel which helps me sleep at night and recently added Topamax which I am not sure what it is supposed to do but so far what it has accomplished is making me spontaneously cry about anything and everything whether it's happy or sad or about nothing whatsoever. I have noticed I am more suicidal since taking Topamax than when I was solely on Seroquel, but I am astutely aware of my obligations that keep me bound to this earth. Some days I am confounded by the hate that I feel which clashes with the abundant love I have for them and I don't know what to do with that cluster fuck of emotions.
One of my many goals is to sleep at night and stay awake during the day like a normal-ish person would do. If only napping was a profession, I would be a champ at it. Luckily my partner in crime Scotch helps keep me wired with Starbucks, so some days are better than others.
I royally screwed up my finances which is always fun to sort through in a panic. I had anticipated spousal support through May of this year and learned that it ended in April so I am now missing a large chunk of income while still adjusting to my new living quarters. Learning you have no payday coming when you thought you did is all sorts of scary, but I am figuring it out as I go.
My agoraphobia is not getting any better and being back in my own apartment is actually making it worse. I don't know if medication or therapy is what fixes it, but I keep obsessing over ways that will allow me to leave even less than I already do.
Other than all of that, I dunno. I am still here. I am so thankful to be in my own place that has air conditioning. I knew being homeless in the winter was going to be a cake walk compared to being homeless in the summer. I loathe, hate, and abhor the heat. So even with all these challenges I am facing, I feel lucky!
Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. Thanks for helping <3
If I believed those three words, how different my life would be.
Peeps & Peepettes!
Things are quiet here, which I like.
I hope all of you are where you want to be and doing what you want to do.
If you are not, then maybe start to think about what you can do to change that.
But not today.
It's Sunday which means you are supposed to be lazy.
When I read Amanda Palmer's blog way back when, my interactions with bullies were few and far between. Unfortunately today I had to deal with two (one online and one in the real world) and when that happens, things rapidly swirl downwards and I am left scrambling to find something to hold onto.<---- This is my old standby coping mechanism that I am working diligently on replacing with healthier options but it is hard because it's instant and works every time.
I encourage people to ask me questions in the hopes that a) it gives me something to talk about on this stupid blog when I can't think of anything interesting to say and b) to challenge me to talk about things I don't want to.
They are emailed to me and I don't get to all of them. Not because they are abundant (I only average 100 ish readers), but because I don't understand the intent behind them other than trolling so I either ignore them or try to deal with them directly. I had been ignoring one particular online bully whose latest email included:"Ur scaming people to get simpathy for your pathetick life. Tell them you arent homeless bitch."Spelling errors aside, I don't really know how to respond to that other than I have been meaning to (update my blog that is, not scam for sympathy), blarg, and le sigh.But here is my latest ...Back on February 1st, 2013 at long last I moved into my very own place since the foreclosure of my home. I have been shuffling about since August of 2008 and that's a very very long time to be without your own space. So this is happy news and I wanted to take bunches of pictures to go along with the telling of all the happenings, but then I got sick. I think it was my body finally breaking down knowing I had a private place to sleep, shower, and vomit when the occasion called for it and it really knocked me off my ass for a good month. After I recovered from that, I went through the hurdle of adjusting to my new surroundings which was unexpected. I didn't want to unpack anything because I felt like I had to be ready to leave in a moment's notice. The new sounds or lack there of creeped me out and I wanted to be back in my car where I heard grocery carts slamming into other grocery carts or being wheeled around when I slept in Walmart's parking lot. When I did finally unpack everything, I had to deal with all the ghosts of memories past because the last time I used these items was when I lived in my house which was my safety and happy for so long. I am still sorting through that and it's proven to be quite difficult but they are slowly improving. Then there was/is the matter of people. I live in an apartment complex now where other people do and I have to pass them in the hallway every time I have to leave for whatever reason. I hate people. They are scary and stupid.Since I have a Rupert who has to go outside every day, it can be challenging but one I am mostly thankful for because without a Rupert I would very likely never leave to go anywhere or do anything.Tonight I took him out around midnight which I intentionally do so I don't have to deal with anyone.He was sniffing around endlessly as he always does looking for the perfect spot to poop when we heard a loud thump noise which startled us both. I looked up but the windows were dark. I thought maybe a bird hit it or something. However many moments passed and we heard it again. A window on the 2nd floor opened and some old raggedy hag yelled down, "Get that fucking dog away from my window!" and if I could rewind time, I would have simply smiled as I flipped her off. Instead I felt like immediately throwing up as my tummy felt in knots and on fire. I started tearing up and he started whimpering. He no longer wanted to go to the bathroom and started pulling towards the door so we could go inside and I followed him because I didn't want to be outside anymore either.Like who sits by their window in a pitch black apartment in the middle of the night ready to pounce? Jebus, I know I have no life but seriously get a fucking life! We didn't waken her. We make no noise whatsoever. He doesn't bark, I don't bark. We sneak out and then sneak back in all stealthed and ninja like. He was on a leash and I always clean up after him, so we were breaking no rules. Not to mention she lives on the 2nd floor so how exactly were we outside her window. We aren't vampires who flew up to her eye level and he magically crapped mid air. I want to punch her because I am so angry I have to deal with this now. I am back inside all cooped up never wanting to go out again and not wanting to have a dog so I won't have to go out. A slight overreaction yes, but that's where my head goes.Anyway, I keep stressing over this update my blog thing and I keep telling people I am going to do it with the hopes of feeling guilty enough to actually do it but I am sad to report I have failed all of you because I don't have any photos prepared but I promise I will really super hard try to work on it soon.So for the record: I am no longer homeless and won't be for an entire year since that is how long my lease is. Yay! for that.I hope all is well in your world ... xoxo
I can't even tell you if it's been the past few hours, days, weeks, months or years that have been so craptastic because currently my brain isn't compartmentalizing things very well but I do know that everything is slowly swirling and I can feel myself getting sucked down. I am not fond of falling down the rabbit hole because it is so very hard to find my way back out.
While the fog has moved in and settled there is one thing I can report on with some clarity and that is the matter of my storage units.
Today was a win in that category.
I am now down to only 20 something storage tubs of things I still deem important enough to keep.
The best part about today was that it is hard enough to hold an item in your hand, feeling everything there is to be felt from all the memories an item is capable of storing and then having to choose whether or not to hold on or let it go, but then to have someone there to immediately take it away as if to say, "Here. Let me remove this from your sight so you never again have look at these old ghosts and remember the wounds." is just about as incredible as it gets. I had someone there to do just that and I am so thankful for it.
My furniture still has not sold. I think I will be equally excited whether it does not sell or does because I do still very much love what I have but I know it is incredibly difficult to deal with its existence and the weight of it all with my life being so unsettled as it is.
I just know that I want whatever is going to happen to hurry the fuck up and happen, but I know life doesn't work like that.
Even with all the hardships I am currently facing I keep getting these amazing reminders of how blessed I really am to have met others who believe so strongly that there is more good than bad in this world so it is worth staying put and seeking it out because it is there to be found.
Those snippets of faith help when it is so hard to focus or hold on to pretty much anything else.
So thank you ... xoxo
Whether or not to let go of an important part of my life has been gut wrenching to say the least and I wish I knew what the right answer was. Then I concluded it was probably one of those really fucking annoying life lessons where you have to go through it to find out what's on the other end before you will know whether it was right or not.
If it was right, then awesome and good jorb.
If it wasn't, well then it sucks to be you.
So instead of continuing to disregard, delay, and deny that what is happening is happening, I decided to go ahead and list it all for sale on Craigslist.
Especially when I realized that I have horrible luck and I am highly doubtful anyone will buy them.
I think the reason why it so difficult to let go of is that it represents a time in my life when I was most productive and these things were the result. I am in a phase of my life now where I am most not productive and so I don't see how I will ever be able to replace any of it down the road when I am back in my own place and not living in my car.
It's scary and disappointing but oh well. I have to at least pretend like I am moving forward and trying to do something other than sucking up air and wasting space on this earth.
Here they are:
Vintage Hotpoint Electric Stove
Pottery Barn Garrett Glass Cabinet & West Elm Table
Pottery Barn Sumatra Bedroom Collection
I am supposed to get email alerts when persons comment and such on posts, but somehow I missed the following which gave me a much needed giggle after the past few days I experienced. So here, if it helps, by all means enjoy my personal beverage holder:
"Not all guys need to see boobies or va-jjs to do something nice for somebody......but it helps =P" - cannon
You know it was a fun night when the next day you are still peeling ekg stickers off your body that you don't exactly remember how they got there.
I thought about showing you the butcher job the nurses did while attempting to give me an IV and take blood but I thought it just made me look like a junkie. Both hands and arms are full of holes and bruises. It's not their fault though. I have super tiny veins which makes me lulz because it's honestly the only tiny thing about me.
I did feel really bad for one of the nurses though because she got distracted and didn't apply pressure while removing one of the needles and I was a gusher. It got all over my pants and on her shoes which were so super-y cute. They were brown and pink which are my favorite colors! I wanted to snatch them off her feet and keep them for my very own although less so since they were now covered in blood.
So, what happened? Back up a day or so before that and what I do recall was feeling more tired than usual. Like so extremely sleepy that I couldn't keep my eyelids open and then all of a sudden being at places that I didn't remember driving to. I thought maybe I just had an extra case of the doldrums so I went about our normal routine as best I could hoping I would eventually snap out of it.
Day three of this and I woke up to vomit and diarrhea in the car. Yeah. That totally happened and it was totally gross. I felt so fuzzy and strange but managed to clean everything up. Normally we would head to the park next but I wanted to go straight to the laundromat to decontaminate everything including myself in their bathroom.
The next moment of awareness, I realized I was at the hospital, Rupert was licking my face, there was a police officer and nurse knocking on my window, and I freaked the fuck out. They kept telling me to unlock my door and I didn't want to because I didn't know what was going on.
Eventually I did and the rest of the day was kind of a blur. It was scary not understanding what was happening or calling out the name of a person knowing they weren't going to be there ... jebus, that was the saddest moment.
I always feel so loser-y during that brief moment when they ask if you want to update your emergency contact because I have none listed. I always immediately flashback to the day I passed a kidney stone. That was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my lifetime thus far and I hope to never experience again. The whole thing from start to finish occurred before I even got to see a doctor so I was medication free and felt everything there was to feel. During that ordeal, they asked if I wanted my emergency contact to be notified and I said yes. It was my husband at the time but it was after he had already locked me out of our home. I remember the nurse walking over quietly informing me that he had been called and his response was, "She is not my problem." and he hung up. She then asked if there was anyone else I wanted to call and I told her no. I asked that he be removed as my emergency contact and that was when I knew I was alone.
The coolest thing that happened while there was that I couldn't stop shaking because I was so cold. That was until they gave me a contrast injection (I have since learned that is what it was called) during my CT Scan. It made my entire body flood with warmth and all the pandemonium of the event seemed to float away and for the first time I was able to slow my breathing which they had been yelling at me to do since it all started.
After everything was said and done, I was told I had carbon monoxide poisoning and my ammonia levels in my blood were high, both which were causing all the nausea, sleepiness, confusion etc.
So apparently my perfected blanket fort I built was too perfect and I need to let more air flow in and no to running the car while sleeping.
Since purchasing the car on May 22nd of last year, in six months I had only filled the tank five times for a grand total of $229.26 and in one month I have put $322.05 in the gas tank to keep us mobile and warm. I didn't expect that at all and I feel so stupid for not factoring that in but this is my first homeless winter with a car. Past homeless winters I was without, so blarg.
It's funny how we tend to care so deeply about other people, places, and things more than ourselves or at least I do.
Someone mentioned I could have died and I told them unfortunately I wasn't lucky enough for that to happen but I was lucky enough that nothing happened to this little guy who is sleeping right next to me as I write to all of you.
He is the reason I wouldn't let them keep me overnight at the hospital. I had to take care of him and make sure he was okay and I am happy to report that he is.
Please do not drink and drive.
Please do not let others drink and drive.
(and that includes the someone who drank the least)
Just don't do it.
After much contemplation, it has been decided that the time has come to let go of my favorite pair of shoes.
They have been everywhere with me for the last 4 years and I will miss them.
Actually it was the soaking wet socks I experienced after romping about in the snow that alerted me to the fact that these were well past the expiration date, so no deliberation was involved.
This is for you, Scotch ...
Click it to increase the gross out factor! ;)
Here is what happens when you leave your shaving razor in the upwards position while blindly reaching around and behind the seat to grab your bag. I do not recommend doing that whatsoever.
After being unable to stop the gushing blood after 15 minutes or so, I considered calling 911 until the awareness set in of the ridiculousness that would be calling for an ambulance over a cut finger.
Of course this would have never happened if someone had bought me the epilady from my Wish List so really I blame you all.
Now when I flip someone off I will have to do it with a chunk of my finger missing, but hopefully the sentiment will still come through.
I cut off 8" of my hair which made me sad but I needed something more hobo friendly.
Washing it in bathroom sinks was taking too long and just became a hassle. I can still put it in a pony tail, but it's a tiny one now.
I don't really have a before and after picture so you just get me in a scarf!
I also said so long to my wedding band and that was just about as hard as I had anticipated.
I got $70 for it which gave me a tank and a half of gas, dinner at Chipotle, and a couple trips to Starbucks. I miss the feeling of it on my finger but that part of my life is over and I needed the cash, so that is that.
I don't have a picture of it and I really wish I did. Then I could have at least looked at it from time to time to remember, but I didn't think to do that before selling it.
To end on a happy note, I had a huge win the other day in my agoraphobia world.
I attempted at least a dozen times to go into the local laundromat but kept failing on executing that seemingly simple task.
However I finally made it through those doors and was able to wash every stitch of clothing, blanket, and whatever else that I own (which I realized isn't all that much) but it felt really good.
I sat and watched the washer spin and was mesmerized by it. If I am ever so lucky to own a washer/dryer again, I want the front loader window-y type so I can watch it spin round and round. It's my favorite and I didn't know that was a weird thing to do until the worker lady person there pointed it out that I never took my eyes off of it for a second, then I felt kinda dumb.
While this year proved to be a challenging one, so have all the other years that I have existed on this earth so that was nothing new.
However, some pretty nifty things did happen:
- I met some amazing people who reached out to help keep me afloat.
- I bought my very own car.
- I am now out of debt.
- I got to spend another year with the person that I hi with all that I am ... hi
So long 2012 and a hearty welcome to 2013.
Happy New Year, Everyone!
But of course that never actually happened so onward we went!
Although we didn't see anyone else so maybe we were the only two that survived!
Here is Rupes hanging out in our nifty blanket fort that we constructed to help us combat the cold winds and stay warm.
It mostly does the job!
And here is me apparently channeling Jack Nicholson from "The Shining" because I could feel myself losing touch with reality to help cope with the chilliness.